


Hope You Find This Letter

by LieutenantWubs



Category: Destiny (Video Game)
Genre: Cayde feels bad and Zavala wants to help, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Spoilers, about Cayde's letter fragments, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-30
Updated: 2017-09-30
Packaged: 2019-01-07 02:29:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12223893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LieutenantWubs/pseuds/LieutenantWubs
Summary: Cayde's calling sign is the Ace of Spades. Most Guardians assume this is due to his gambling habits.But Zavala knows that this is false.





	Hope You Find This Letter

**Author's Note:**

> It's me again! Back with another vague af summary and questionable title~ As it says in the tags, this does contain some spoilers about Cayde's letter fragments, so if that's something that you'd like to find out about yourself then leave this page and go forth to collect dirty old letters from our dearly beloved and heartbroken Hunter Vanguard!
> 
> If you know it though, hope you like the fic.  
> (Disclaimer: I am not good with lore, so sorry if things are messed up)

            “Do you remember your life before your resurrection?”

Zavala paused his task of organizing the new Vanguard “Hall”. He turned to stare at Cayde who was slouched in a beanbag chair, shuffling a deck of cards.

            “What?”

            “Do you remember your past life?” Cayde’s optics flashed up at him for a moment before looking back down.

             Zavala straightened his posture and turned back to the table of papers in front of him. Torn edges and yellowing pages hinted at their age, “No, not really.” Zavala paused. “Well, not much… I died many times when I first came back. Whatever memories I had became fewer and fainter with each new life. Athena is the one tether I have to those memories. She found me in a crashed ship, but I do not know what I was doing in it.” Zavala put aside some papers that seemed related to topics that Ikora would want to see. “I’m not sure if I was the pilot, though I doubt it. Perhaps I was just a guard, but if so, a guard for what? What was the purpose of that ship? Was it civilian? Military? If it was military, who did I work for? I have many questions now that make me wish I had been wise enough at the time to stop and examine where I was coming from. But it’s too late now.”

            Both Vanguards were silent, the only noise between them being the sound of cards sliding against each other.

            Cayde broke the silence.

            “So… you don’t remember if you had a family.” Cayde’s voice was low, close to a whisper. To the point where Zavala almost missed it.

            “I… don’t believe I did. I have forgotten everything from before, but I have this feeling, a feeling that gives me the assurance to say that I know I was, and am still, a man who lets few people into my life on a personal level. So, when I do…” Zavala glanced over at Cayde, “I never forget them. If I had a family, they would have meant the world to me, and I truly believe that I would still possess some memory of them, or even the feeling that something important was missing in my life. But I do not.” Zavala stepped away from the table, moving towards Cayde. Cayde paused his shuffling to look up at the Commander. “If you don’t mind me asking, what brought this up?”

            The Exo shrugged, “Just feeling nostalgic, wanted to hear about the good ole days.” Cayde let his thumb run slowly along the tops of the cards. Pausing for a second longer on certain ones. Zavala’s mouth tightened into a straight line.

            “Cayde, I know that isn’t true. I’ve seen you like this once before. You’re remembering something. You still have memories of your family.”

            The deck was put away. Cayde let himself sink deeper into the chair, his ass nearly sinking to the ground with his knees level with his shoulders. To the Commander, he seemed like a child.

            “Huh, didn’t think you had the stuff to be a detective, Zavala. You should have been a Warlock.”

            “Ikora would tell me to take that as a compliment, but I feel that you do not mean it that way.”

            Cayde pointed at Zavala, “Right there. Amazing observations and the ability of deductive reasoning. Ikora WOULD be proud.”

            Zavala raised an eyebrow at the Hunter Vanguard. Cayde didn’t meet his gaze, wiping invisible dust off his leg. “What’s wrong, Cayde?”

            There was another stretch of silence, to the point where Zavala thought that Cayde was ignoring him, so he began to turn back towards the table, but Cayde finally spoke up.

            “Exo’s are told to forget. Our memories get scattered more than anyone’s. The reboots don’t wipe everything away, so with each one I experienced, I was told to let the memories fade, to not waste my time chasing them, cause I’d only get frustrated and hurt. If you aren’t an Exo though, you’re applauded for remembering, for making an effort to find evidence of yourself from before. But I can’t…” Cayde sighed, the sound of air being blown out of his system making a low noise. “I don’t want to lose myself. I don’t want to forget the people who are important to me… But I can’t even remember my own kid.”

            Zavala knew he was right in his assumptions. He remembered the night Cayde first showed him his journal entries where he wrote to a faceless person named Ace. Cayde wrote to them like they were a child, telling them stories of the state of Earth, advice to take when travelling to different worlds, his regrets about his choices, and simply writing to Ace about his day. Zavala didn’t know how to react since he had never pegged the Hunter Vanguard as the family type, and sure, he knew the Exo tended to place sentimental value on things that he sometimes thought were silly, but this was different. This felt sadder, as if he was trying to keep something alive that was long gone, or never existed in the first place. But he had respected and appreciated the Exo’s trust in him.

            “No matter how hard I try, no matter who I do research on, or how many of my journal entries I read, I don’t have enough. All I have is their name, the name Clovis Bray, and dozens of letters that could mean nothing.” Cayde pulled a card out, the Ace of Spades. “I called them Ace. If that was their real name though or a nickname is beyond me…” He stared at the card for a moment, “I should be with them. I shouldn’t have left…”

            Cayde dropped his head into his hands, “I don’t deserve the Traveler’s Light.”

            Zavala walked over and knelt next to Cayde, putting his hand on his shoulder. “Cayde, you can not blame yourself for this lapse in memory. From what I have been told, Exo’s were not originally created with the thought of memory in mind at the beginning. People like Clovis Bray simply wanted to take advantage of people who were at the point of doing whatever it took to secure the survival of those they cared about, for the good of their twisted form of ‘science’, and what was supposedly right for Humanity. This loss is not by your hand.”

            Cayde kept his head down, but lifted his hand up to grab Zavala’s.

            “I chose to take the job. I wasn’t good enough, made too many mistakes, was too careless.” His grasp tightened, “I had to protect them. I want to believe I did this to protect them. I want to believe that they were ok after I disappeared.” A low pitch, almost broken noise, stuttered out of Cayde. Zavala felt the hand he was holding shake slightly.

            “They probably died… hating me. And I never got to find them and say sorry for leaving them and their mom.” The end of his sentence came out cracked, his vocals breaking up on certain syllables. “I’m a sorry excuse for a person. Anyone would have been a better choice than me.”

             Zavala couldn’t tell if Cayde was referring to him being chosen as a potential partner in the past, or being chosen as a Guardian, but Zavala assumed the latter.

            “Cayde, I… I have no way of knowing how you feel. I can’t imagine what it is like to try and fight for the memories of someone who may or may not have ever existed, but knowing that either way, you care and feel deeply that they are so important to you. Sitting here though… questioning the Travelers choice in you… that will do nothing.” Zavala stood up, pulling Cayde out of the hole he made for himself in the chair, keeping a tight hold on the Exo’s hand. “I am sure that, if they existed, your child knew how important they were to you. And whether they did or didn’t know the real reasons behind your choice, I feel that they understood that you left to protect them and their mother. You are not a bad person or Guardian, Cayde. You never were, and never will be, no matter how much you like to disobey me and use unorthodox methods of getting the job done.” Zavala could see the smallest hint of Cayde’s mouthpiece turning upwards in a smile, causing the Commander’s body to relax a bit in relief.

            “You know… I never thought I’d find myself leaning on your shoulder for emotional support, but… thanks. I hate not having the answers to these questions, and sometimes it just gets, well, overwhelming. I want so badly to remember everything, to have the ability to piece all the information together. But there’s still more to find before I can do that.”

            “Now you sound like a detective. Perhaps you should have been a Warlock, rather than a Hunter, since you want so many answers.” Zavala laughed as Cayde looked up at him, eyes-wide and mouth agape.

            “I can’t believe that just left your mouth, Commander! We were having such a beautiful moment and you had to go and throw that comment in there. No disrespect to Warlocks but, what the hell, Zavala?!” Cayde slapped away the Commander’s hands that were trying to pull him closer. After a moment of keeping a two-foot distance between them, Cayde allowed himself to be wrapped up in Zavala’s arms, venting air out of his mouth to mimic a dramatic sigh.

            “I apologize, Cayde. I know how wounded you get when someone questions your Hunter status.”

            “Who wouldn’t?! You took a shot at my pride when I was already down. Here I was thinking you cared about my fragile mental state.” Cayde paused, “Good remark though. Granted, I said it first, and it took you until now to throw it back, but, C+ I suppose.”

            Zavala let a low wave of Light pass from his hands to Cayde’s frame in a comforting gesture, “Thank you for such a gracious rating, Cayde, it means the world to me.”

            “Oh, I know. You’re an easy man to please.”

            Zavala tightened his hold on the Exo for a moment, Cayde letting out a strained, ‘Hey!’.

            “Nevertheless, your mental state is of the upmost importance to me. I am glad you feel comfortable talking to me about these things. As Guardians, we can endure much physical pain, but emotional pain is something that does not always heal over time. Sometimes, if it is left unattended, it can become worse. It is our greatest strength to admit when we feel weak, something that I know both of us struggle with.” Zavala stepped away from Cayde so they could look at each other, “Never let yourself think that you are not worth this life you were given. You inspire many, offer amazing insight, and have made this existence bearable for me when things got rough.”

            “My emotions are getting thrown all over the place here, Zavala. I feel like a girl on Prom.” Cayde pressed his mouth-plate to the Commander’s cheek as he frowned, “Joking, kind of. I really appreciate it. Everything. It warms this cold body to know that someone believes in me. I know the Guardians look up to me, but they only see the rugged, handsome, and well-composed persona that I put out. They don’t see this broken Exo who struggles with the memory of a ghost. Who knows how they’d react if they saw me earlier as I leaned into your embrace.”

            “I think I would have had more Guardians starting gossip about me, rather than you. You are well-known as a sentimental person who enjoys physical closeness. I have a much different public persona.” Zavala finally turned back to the table, trying to remember where he left off in organizing.

            “Hmm, you’re right. And gossip about you is always funnier than gossip about me and Ikora.” Cayde leaned around Zavala, glancing at all the different paperwork, “We, well, you, should take a break and shower me in more compliments and praise until I stop feeling sorry for myself.” Zavala scoffed at him.

            “And, what? Sit in those traps that you call chairs?” Zavala nodded towards the beanbag chairs, “If I sit in one of those, it’ll be forever until I get out.”

            Cayde rapidly patted Zavala’s shoulder, “I was gonna say that we should ditch this place for one of our rooms, but that idea is WAY better and funnier!”

**Author's Note:**

> And there it is. This was written differently, but then the latest letter fragment came out and I was like, "BALLS. This puts a dagger in my plans." so I rewrote some dialogue to kind of fit the lore better. The extremely scattered lore that I have a hard time following since I am garbage with lore ANYWAYS. 
> 
> HOPE YOU LIKED IT THOUGH! I invite you to give me constructive criticism of any kind, especially related to the EXO body and behaviors or terms cause I have never written in the POV of a robot before. Also my writing can always improve so please point out anything you think I can improve on~
> 
> (Also while I wrote this, I discovered a song called "Fast Car" by the duo called "Bars and Melody" and, I don't know, thought it was semi-fitting for Cayde and his 'relationship' with Ace. Just throwing that out there)


End file.
